Friday, March 25, 2011

Fat People Math

As a teacher, it is my civic duty and moral obligation to educate minds when appropriate.
Welcome to my virtual classroom!
Today’s lesson is entitled, Fat People Math.
Are your pencils sharpened? Got a calculator handy? No worries, you don’t have to show your work. Now, get your Trapper Keeper out of your book satchel and get out a piece of paper.
(Ok, that was for all you kids of the 80’s. Why don’t they make Trapper Keepers anymore and when did we exchange the workd backpack for book satchel?)
Moving on.
Your first assignment is a word problem. Your job is to take out the name and numbers mentioned here and insert your name and numbers. ***Note: I have changed the identity of the people in the word problem so you’ll never guess who it is.
1.       There once was an 18 year old girl named Shelly. She was proud of her weight at 135 lbs.  Unfortunately, Shelly encountered a witch who cast a spell on her and made her lazy and apathetic. Luckily, there was a wizard who lived at the Woman’s Clinic who, when he saw that Shelly weighed 225 lbs., was able to chant the magic words “LOSE SOME WEIGHT” and break the 14 year spell. If Shelly has a 6 year old son (named Nash) that will graduate high school when he is 18 years old, how much will Shelly weigh when she has to waddle to her seat at her son’s graduation if she doesn’t adhere to the wise wizard’s warning?
Answer: 302 lbs.  (WHAT??? That can’t be right. Let’s work this out.)
Answer explained:
Shelly essentially gained 90 pounds in 14 years. 
90lbs. ÷  14 years = an average weight gain of 6.43 lbs. per year
Now, if someone told me that they gained 6 pounds this year, I wouldn’t be that alarmed. However, over the span of 14 years it really adds up.
Next, it will be 12 years until Nash graduates from high school.  If Shelly continues to gain 6.43 lbs. per year for the next 12 years….. 6.43 lbs per year x 12 years = 302 lbs.
WHOA, Shelly! You may not even make it to that graduation after all!
Now it’s your turn. How much will you weigh if you keep on putting yourself last and displaying out of control behavior?
Pick an event in the future and do the math. It may hurt your feelings but it may also save your life.
Poor Shelly.
I sure am glad I’m not her. (wink, wink)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Missing Girl

Have you seen this girl?
She went missing around 1997.
Strawberry blonde hair, green eyes, 5'5",  135 lbs.
Anybody? Anybody?

Apparently, she got lost in "Food is Fun and Doesn't Affect My Body and/or Health" Land and this "beast"

found her and swallowed her up. Tragic story.

She was a nice girl. Fairly smart, good sense of humor, exercised almost every day and definitely monitored her food intake. She felt good in her skin.

Why, you might ask, would she choose to drop those habits and become a big lardo? The answer is not simple nor is it even fully understood. She might blame college, stress, a busy schedule, relationship failure, self-pity, or even a profound love of food. However, the bottom line is that she got lazy and has been in denial ever since. Food was easy to be addicted to because its legal, it doesn't have to cost that much, and it's everywhere!

Something to celebrate? Let's eat!
Loss of a loved one? Bring a casserole, please!

She attempted to escape the "beast" several times. Her methods included, but were not limited to, Phen-Phen (sp?), Weight Watchers, L.A. Weightloss, Atkins, Ideal Protein, Nutri-System, numerous OTC diet pills, and various gym memberships. Her diet book collection is extensive. And they all worked! For a while. And then she got lazy again and gained all of her weight back plus some extras for good measure. Slowly but surely, food was chipping away from her life expectancy. Her BMI was on the rise. Along with her waist circumference.

Luckily,she had a doctor's appointment on Monday, March 21st where she got some breaking news. Her doctor said..........

Are you ready for this?

I'm about to say it.

It's shocking.

It's Earth-shattering.

But here it goes.

And I quote.

"Kelly, you are overweight. You HAVE to lose the weight."

She knew this. She had known it for a long time. But for some reason when it came out of her doctor's mouth (the same doctor who delivered her son and who helped her through a miscarriage) something clicked. Suddenly, losing weight wasn't just a good suggestion. It was imperative. It was resolved. It was   is going to happen.

I haven't seen her yet but I "heard tell" of her getting her big butt out of bed at 5:00 this morning, lacing up her tennis shoes for a brisk walk and giving a crap about what she ate (or didn't eat) today. It'll be a while before we find her. She won't be perfect. She will, most likely, never return to the size she was. But she will make an effort and try her best because there is not one food on this planet that is worth one more second of her obese life.

To Be Continued.........